Quotes from Chelsea Handler

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.

It's also a terrible kind of sentiment [ reality TV] for children and for people. It makes people feel like they all want to be famous for no reason.

People confuse the fact that I discuss drinking openly with the idea that I'm a heavy drinker. I don't want girls at my show wasted, screaming and yelling out and vomiting.

Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.

Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute!

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.

If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't.

I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.

I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

Don't choose the better guy, choose the guy that's gonna make you the better girl

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

Whenever I have trouble standing up for myself (it's happened), I think about whether I would tolerate the situation if it were happening to one of my sisters, mother, daughter, or niece. If it's not acceptable for them, it's not acceptable for me.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.