Quotes from Chelsea Handler

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.

I think reality television, unless it's inspirational, which it very rarely is, I think it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing state of affairs that we're in.

I think comedy has to come from your authentic point of view.

I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she's really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves.

I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy.

There are some really interesting celebrities and people who are fun to interview, but when you have to do it every day because you have to fill a slot, the allure wears off.

Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?'

Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult.

That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.

If you talk about Lindsay Lohan for four or five days a week, you really can't bear to talk about her on the weekends.

You look at, like, a 'People' magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magazine you could go to for real stories. It wasn't like a 'Star' or an 'US Weekly' and they have somebody with plastic surgery on the cover, Heidi Montag. And it's obviously what consumers want, because why else would they be doing it?