Quotes from Chelsea Handler

Seeing your mother naked is not something you easily recover from. Seeing your mother naked and jumping from one side of a king-sized bed to the other with a nurse's hat on while your father, who is also naked, is chasing her with a bandanna around his neck, is reason to put yourself up for adoption.

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose. I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could wait two to three months after you start dating someone only to discover that your new boyfriend is bad in bed, or even worse, is into anal beads and duct tape.

Everything with me had always been black and white. Life or death. I wanted more gray. I wanted to learn how to forgive.

It was quite obvious that without severe behavior modification, this boy would grow up to be a serial killer.

The great thing about rejection is that it doesn't matter how many times you get rejected. All that needs to happen is if for one person to tell you 'yes' and then everybody else can go f*** themselves.

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we were headed to Iraq.

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.

There's a difference between being a class act and being classy. Peeing off the side of a jeep doesn't mean you're not classy, it just means you're a free spirit with a small bladder.

I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.

The saying that money doesn't buy you happiness is true. But it sure as fuck helps.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

We went to a Barnes and Noble, where I picked up an unauthorized biography of M.C. Hammer, and not wanting to overload her on her first book, I steered Dumb Dumb toward a Choose Your Own Adventure.

Your lack of geographical knowledge is truly astounding.

Treat yourself the way you treat the person you love most in the world. Get on your own team.

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

And last but not least, go for it. Go wherever you can afford to go with whomever you can get to go with you.

Judging other people had become my way of avoiding judgment of myself, and I had to do better than that.

I had to leave my parents to love them again. I had to move across the country to appreciate that I actually had any pull toward them - that I needed them. I had to get away from them in order to come back to them. I'd like to say they did the best they could, but that couldn't have been their best. I wasn't doing my best either, so the idea that everyone is always doing the best they can is a trope. Some people are just interested in surviving; doing their best doesn't even occur to them.

I define me. No event or person does this. I define me. I decide who I am and how I'm going to behave, and I choose to be better. To look more carefully, to trudge deeper. To think about other people's past and not judge someone for doing or handling something differently than I would. To understand my limitations, my shortcomings - that is my growth edge.

Go after happiness like it is the only thing you can take with you when you die.

I can't, I said. I threw my back out masturbating.

Death is agony. There is simply no other way to describe it. It is getting the wind knocked out of you over and over again, and just when you think you have enough strength to take a deep breath, it knocks you down again. There is no break from the pain. It is arduous, unyielding.

I read somewhere that in order to be of use to others, you need to clean out your own injuries.