Quotes from Chelsea Handler

When I get married, I'm gonna register at Bank of America.

My time in heaven was up, and I was being told I wasn't the marrying kind by someone who undresses for a living.

She cried the first time she was pulled over by a cop. I explained to her that there is no reason to cry when getting pulled over--unless you're coming directly from from a crime scene.

I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four.

There's no such thing as luck. Luck is when opportunity meets preparation.

This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest.

Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls.

My dad's funeral was one of those instances when you're reminded of what it means to show up for people. The tradition

Listen, Dim Sum, you little fuck fuck, I didn't pay a hundred dollars for a fucking towel rub.

You should always speak your mind and be bold and obnoxious and do whatever you want and dont let anybody tell you to stop it

I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn't work out, I could always fall back on becoming an Olympic pole vaulter.

The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.

If it comes easy...Take it twice

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you'd go up to her room to cuddle with her, she'd pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes.

My mother agreed to aid my abuse of alcohol but only if I promised never to tell my newly converted Mormon sister, whose identity I had stolen.

I have no doubt that my mother's pregnancy with me was an accident. Mostly because on several occasions, she told me I was an accident.

I tried to think of a worse experience I had had in my life, and all I could come up with was a James Franco art exhibit.

Never in the history of humankind has a woman been told to calm down and then calmed down. We don't like that.

Older dogs are special because they have had more rejection. Their hope is gone and, even though no one seems to know exactly how old any rescue dog is, when you adopt an older dog you are cramming their last years with love and giving them the security that comes with knowing they have a home.

Travel Etiquette: When dealing with foreigners, pretend you are Canadian.

I had a therapist once tell me to "sit with my shit," and I believe that to be a necessary evil of being constantly disappointed.

I didn't know that my brother's death was defining me. I didn't know that I had the ability to say no to being defined by death. Now I was with a person who could help me process what happened and turn the parts of me that acted like a nine-year-old into a self-actualized adult who had come to a better understanding of what it means to dig deep and admit your pain - thereby beginning the process of relinquishing it.

I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin.

Awesome," I told him. "I felt defensive at first, like I hadn't done anything worth apologizing for, but I recognized that it wasn't about my intention; it was about how my action was received. That my action was unwelcome. I get that now, and it didn't take long for it to click this time.