Quotes from Chelsea Handler

Real generosity is also showing up when you don't feel like it—sacrificing your own happiness in exchange for someone else's.

I didn't want to pry, yet I wanted to know how this frosted-blond petite woman murdered her sister and where in her body she was storing the two sandwiches she had just demolished. She couldn't have weighed more than one hundred pounds and she was about five-foot-six. This woman/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

Unless you're playing Who's Hiding the Ecstasy?, I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it. I've got plans. Don't married people know that the last thing a single person wants to do on a Friday night is play a nutty game of Yahtzee? I'd rather take a bubble bath with my father.

By the way he reacted, you would have thought I told him that slavery never happened. He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President Bush's right to vacation six days out of the week.

This was just the way I imagined myself around Nancy Grace--available, yet distant.

Why anyone needed to hold her breath above water was beyond me, but when I make things up, I rarely have a filter.

We agreed on the basic Brazilian—right after I downed a Vicodin. I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin. Finally, the Tuesday of my

he definitely wasn't home separating ions in his spare time.

for someone who's lived with privilege their whole life, equality feels like a loss.

Time for some laughs with girlfriend Chelsea Handler and her adventures.

define me. No event or person does this. I define me. I decide who I am and how I'm going to behave, and I choose to be better. To look more carefully, to trudge deeper. To think about other people's pasts and not judge someone for doing or handling something differently than I would. To understand

We would parachute in like typical asshole Americans and be completely clueless about what kind of trip we were actually on, asking questions like, "When do we start shooting the animals? Where is the freshest sushi? When do we meet Aretha Franklin, and where are the squash courts?" I'd also insist on hunting live lobster and killing it with my handgun.

Cocktails should be cold. Cubes. Plural. Not the rapper.

There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating.

Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, "You've offended so many people at this point. Don't try to keep track now, girl.

The thought of giving up alcohol crossed my mind too, but I was soon reminded of the promise to Ketel One, Grey Goose, and other top-shelf vodkas that I had made in my early twenties. Never turn your back on someone who has asked nothing in return.

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes.

Now that I had a better understanding of why I was so pissed off, I could finally do something about it.

I believe people who shower twice a day are hiding a secret, or a sandwich.

Kobe beef is not named after Kobe Bryant. Do not make this mistake.

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.

If you are a drinker, always use a pseudonym when booking hotels. None of us really know what kind of mess we're going to leave behind, and there's no sense in getting banned from a resort you respect.

So you're a comedian, he said. Tell me something funny. Okay. The great thing about being an alcoholic is that when you're bored at a party, you can leave without saying good-bye, and people just think you blacked out. Are you an alcoholic? he asked me. That's not really the point, I responded. And I don't like the word 'alcoholic.' I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Choose the guy that's going to make you a better girl.