Quotes from Chelsea Handler

In death, the aftermath is worse tham=n the crash.

The last time I bumped into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid. I was ringing up Gas-X and corn removers.

Something is definitely wrong with my feelings about marriage and procreation. I worry that not only am I missing the chromosome that allows me to dance respectably, but that I am also lacking a conventional vagina.

alopecia on her ass

She even started following me onstage during the interview segment of my Netflix show and would sometimes prop herself up on the little table between the guest and me.

I'm a murderer, Ted! I'm a murderer. A dog murderer! I'm just like Phil Spector minus the music career." "No, Chelsea, you need to get ahold of yourself. You are not a murderer! This was an accidental dog homicide!" "What

No person is just one thing. People can be filled with light and affection and also be tortured and conniving and dishonest. Happiness can coincide with great pain. One can lead while also following, the same way one can follow while also leading

I wish Chunk was here to see this' 'If Chunk was here, he would be dead by now, Hannah declared. 'Who's Chuck?' Rex asked. As if I would name my dog Chuck. Sometimes I found Rex to be so stupid. 'It's Chunk, like chunky peanut butter. Chunk. He's my dog. He's amazing and he's dignified. He's got more dignity in one of his paws than Shakira does in her entire left hip.

Being in jail was similar to being in a hospital bed: You're fine until you see or speak to someone from your family, and then you completely lose your shit.

I find excessive showering just for the hell of it overrated. I believe people who shower twice a day are hiding a secret.

Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com.

I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me.

I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny.

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.

Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you've come to expect from Jessica Alba.

Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.

Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not.

I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal.

I'm a standup comedian, so I need people.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

We women have to stick together.

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.

I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.