Quotes from Chelsea Handler

There's nothing worse than ruining a perfectly good moment by thinking someone else will find humor in something they absolutely do not.

He was the only person in my family who understood that I was born going through menopause, and that whenever I ate soup, I had to take my top off.

Sisters. Only a sister knows how to comfort a sister. Period. End of story. Men can give us a hug or pat us on the back, but only a girl will get another girl off her feet to face the rain.

If I were a believer in the theory of "rock bottom," this could very well have been it. As it stands, I am not a believer. Rock bottom is for sissies; I've hit rock bottom dozens of times. I've woken up next to a billy goat, for Christ's sake. You don't just give up!

I got her to laugh and she got me to laugh because that is what sisters do for each other in the depths of their despair --- they cry, they laugh, sing, fight and then go see a movie, in that order.

Sleep is my friend and is the only place in this world where I don't get into fights with other people

The funeral was a reminder to look for the youth in a person, rather than their age. To look at their hopes and dreams, and the family they created, and their best moments with that family. To see them when they were filled with hope--not when the rug was pulled out from under them. To remember that death should be a reminder of all the memories of that person at their best, and the best private moments you shared with that person.

The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.

We were greeted by a dark-skinned man who introduced himself as Truth. We introduced ourselves as Honesty, Happiness, Honor, Witness, Serengeti , and Schnitzeldoodle. We didn't find out until later, when we met our tracker called Life, that Truth wasn't joking with us about his name.

It's just hard to go from seeing elephants living their lives in the wild and not being bothered by humans, to seeing them put in a bunker every night and then being forced to take assholes like us on rides.

I had no involvement with any extracurricular activities at school, mostly because the one time I tried out for cheerleading I was summoned to the nurse's office the next morning to be tested for scoliosis. Sometime

I have become so disgusted with the pharmaceutical industry in this country

She told me that she liked white people but didn't have any close white friends and asked if I was interested in cross-pollinating. I told her we would see how things went but not to put the chicken wing before the egg. We grew to be fast friends, and a couple

Time speeds up as it goes by. Someone explained to me that there is a mathematical reason for this: as you age, each year becomes a smaller percentage of the life you have already lived.

She worried about Shana and Roy. She always told me she never worried about me. She never held any of my past behavior against me; she never passed judgment—she was always ready with new unconditional love.

It is possible to chip your tooth while eating gummy bears when a plane is landing.

Men can give us a hug or pat us on the back, but only a girl will get another girl off her feet to face the rain.

I'd sooner go through with a pregnancy than spend a night alone in my house knowing there was a snake in the yard.

I looked around the room trying to think of a situation that could be any worse than this, and decided that the only thing that could be worse than prison was the navy.

A medium or psychic once told me to think of my mom sending bright, positive beams of light down over me whenever I needed positive energy to calm my nerves or to meditate.

For fear of being accused of Munchausen syndrome by proxy, I stopped giving Chunk his CBD oil too. I knew I had overstepped, and it was time to get my dog clean.

What?" Dan looked horrified. "I don't make them sign NDAs or anything. It's not like Trump. It's just more of a parting gift, to lessen the blow. Like a couple guys got fired who worked at resorts where I was a guest—that kind of thing. They weren't supposed to mingle with the guests, so when they get fired, and I'm done with my little fling, I give them money.

What I grew to learn was that Dan didn't want me to talk around my anger and pretend it was all about Donald Trump.

Often we think we are showing up for someone, when really all we're doing is showing everyone how great we are at showing up. Lack of empathy. That hit me over the head. I have no empathy. Yes! That's right!