Quotes from Chelsea Handler

We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was clear that they were members of a different income bracket from the people I preferred to surround myself with. But since I also wasn't from the income bracket I preferred, I held off on voicing my initial feelings of despair.

In fact, we'd discussed marriage on several occasions just because we seemed to get along so well, but after thinking long and hard, I realized it was not in my best interest to waste my first marriage on a gay man.

How could I have missed the opportunity to pop pills with my sister who was purer than a Quaker?

Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway.

I just peed and forgot to take off my underwear.

Why do people show up—if not out of decency, and tradition?

She had Nick Lachey's body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.

I was lying here watching Dr. Phil, who, by the way, has some anger management issues. Doesn't his wife Robin look like she's been hypnotized? I feel like he goes home and beats her. The guy's an egomaniac and he's not doing a very [sic] job of covering it up by pretending to be interested in other people's problems.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

That's what death is like, though. You can't only cry for two weeks straight. You cry, and then you get tired of crying, and then someone says something, and then you're all laughing, and it feels bad to be laughing, but it also feels so good. Without the laughter, we'd all be dying too.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Whereas siblings tend to police you, cousins are your partners in crime.

Relationships without hiccups were too boring, so inevitably they had to end. Don't get comfortable. Uncomfortable and not knowing had become my comfort zone. I was always looking for an ultimatum - a way to test someone's commitment, to prove they would disappoint me, and if they didn't do anything wrong, I would find a way to prove they were disappointing before they even had a chance to be.

Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks...

I'm loud and brash. Certain people find that off-putting. Most straight men find that off-putting. This isn't hard for me to understand. Why is it hard for you to understand?

I wanted to learn how to forgive

Vulnerability in my mind was akin to carbohydrates: I wasn't willing to go there unless it was alcohol-induced.

For the record, I would like to state that never in the history of humankind has a woman been told to calm down and then calmed down. We don't like that.

Personally, I felt terrible for telling Truth my name was Schnitzeldoodle. I still think about it. Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, "You've offended so many people at this point. Don't try to keep track now, girl.

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone truly is a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. Who talks about themselves like that? I have a lot of good friends and not one of them ever introduced themselves by saying, "I'm a very good friend.

My mother is the antithesis of a typical Jewish mother, she is very soft-spoken and takes more naps that a cat. As a result, I've always longed for someone to really annoy the shit out of me.

Obviously, there are other factors, such as nature and nurture, along with all of the events that happen throughout your early childhood and throughout your life that will shape who you become as a person," he said. "But that anger, sadness, or fear will remain deep in your subconscious, and will dictate how you react to things in your life that don't go as planned.

He told me that people whose default is fear tend to second-guess everything they do. They tend to be indecisive, and many end up leading very safe lives. They are not interested in risk or adventure—

Without the laughter, we'd all be dying too.