Quotes from Chelsea Handler

I definitely don't want to have kids. I don't think I'd be a great mother. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have the time to raise a child.

Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?

Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness.

Who would marry me anyway? I'm a handful.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time.

Obviously its nice to give your time and especially when there is money being raised. It's rewarding.

I'm really into the human interest thing. I really like regular people.

I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.

You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.

I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.

I cannot be Mary Hart - or even worse, Samantha Harris - and stand there with my hip out talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes taking Suri to an art museum without making fun of it.

The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.

I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense.

I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.

The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true to who I am. That's a bad, bad girl that got a big job.

If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.