Quotes from Andy Rooney

I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.

When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

Great teachers are usually a little crazy.

No matter what any of the grammar teachers say, punctuation is an arbitrary matter. It should be used to make sentences clear.

One of the sweetest things in life: a letter from a friend.

It's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.

One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.

Not many people in this world are as lucky as I've been. ... All this time I've been paid to say what is on my mind on television. You don't get any luckier in life than that.

There is obviously a great human need for religion because life seems to be such a mystery.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

Looking and not finding is certainly one of the most frustrating ways to spend time.

Don't keep saying, "I don't know where the time goes." It goes the same place it's always gone and no one has ever known where that is.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

New ideas are one of the most overrated concepts of our time. Most of the important ideas that we live with aren't new at all.

A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.

By the time they're ready to be thrown away, most shoes are thoroughly comfortable

It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.