Quotes from Andy Rooney

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.

My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.

I just wish this social institution [religion] wasn't based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isn't true.

The trouble with dictionaries is, they tell you more about words than you want to know without answering the question you have.

My advice is not to wait to be struck by an idea. If you're a writer, you sit down and damn well decide to have an idea.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature. If some of our great decorated trees had been grown in a remote forest area with lights that came on every evening as it grew dark, the whole world would come to look at them and marvel at the mystery of their great beauty.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.

I'm an admirer of everything Dr. Martin Luther King stood for, but I don't think he would have stood for this

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Contrary to popular belief, not everyone is entitled to their opinion. If you don't know the facts, your opinion doesn't count.

put some leftover

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.