Quotes from Andy Rooney

I've learned... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

Small daily happenings make life spectacular.... start enjoying the small things in life!

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books — how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make easier to do don't need to be done.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

A writer's job is to tell the truth.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.