Quotes from Ambrose Bierce

PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.

REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.

Revelation: a famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.

Doubt is the father of invention.

Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.

DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.

PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer.

Finance is the art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager

TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.

OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor.

Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.

SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.

Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

HASH: There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.

PIG, n. An animal ("Porcus omnivorus") closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.

HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.

PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.

Empty wine bottles have a bad opinion of women.