Quotes from Ambrose Bierce

INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think.

A great deal has been written and said and sung in praise of green trees. And yet there are comparatively few green trees that are good to eat. Asparagus is probably the best of them, though celery is by no means to be despised.

FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

The virtue that is not automatic requires more attention than it is worth.

OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.

DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. ACADEMY, n. (from academe). A modern school where football is taught.

DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

Work: a dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.

The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money.

What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.

PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne.

To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

"Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows."

Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.

A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

Advice: The suggestions you give someone else which you hope will work for your benefit.

A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves.