Quotes from Ambrose Bierce

It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

The Senate is a body of old men charged with high duties and misdemeanors.

Those who are horrified at Mr. Darwin's theory, may comfort themselves with the assurance that, if we are descended from the ape, we have not descended so far as to preclude all hope of return.

HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus, and microbe.

Life is a little plot of light. We enter, clasp a hand or two, and go our several ways back into the darkness. The mystery is infinitely pathetic and picturesque.

Wearing his eyes in his heart, the optimist falls over his own feet, and calls it Progress.

PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

Give an American a newspaper and a pie and he will make himself comfortable anywhere.

PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference.

There is more poison in aphorisms than in painted candy; but it is of a less seductive kind.

REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher.

REALITY, n. The nucleus of a vacuum.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.

DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed.

Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

Genius - to know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.

You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.

EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc.

There are two things that should be avoided; the deadly upas tree and soda water. The latter will make you puffy and poddy.

DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life... The secret of their power is their insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a platitude... According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians.