Quotes from Ambrose Bierce

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He presided at the piccolo."

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.

A miracle is an act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.

Religions are conclusions for which the facts of nature supply no major premises.

MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.

GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.

Cat: a soft indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

Peace in international affairs: a period of cheating between periods of fighting

CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

Peace: in international affairs a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

POSITIVISM- A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.

PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost.

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.

RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas.

In the presence of death reason and philosophy are silent

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

diplomacy, n.: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.