Quotes from Mark Twain

Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime.

Diligence is a good thing, but taking things easy is much more restful.

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

The inability to forget is far more devastating than the inability to remember.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

whenever the literary german dives into a sentence, this is the last you are going to see of him till he emerges on the other side of his atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

When red-headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow.

If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be.

A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law.

Humor is tragedy plus time.

We grant God the possession of all the qualities of mind except the one that keeps the others healthy; that watches over their dignity; that focuses their vision true--humor.

Humor is like a frog; if you dissect it, it dies.