Quotes from Mark Twain

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. ...

While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.

There are women who have an indefinable charm in their faces which makes them beautiful to their intimates, but a cold stranger who tried to reason the matter out and find this beauty would fail

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

The partitions of the houses were so thin we could hear the women occupants of adjoining rooms changing their minds.

God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.

Man will do many things to get himself loved; he will do all things to get himself envied

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.

Its not true that men forget they're married when they see a pretty woman. Just the opposite, thats when they're most painfully reminded of it.