Quotes from Mark Twain

His ignorance covered the whole earth like a blanket, and there was hardly a hole in it anywhere.

History may not repeat itself, but it sure does rhyme.

How come we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.

I am an old man and have a great many troubles, But most of them never happened.

Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment.

Life is so beautiful. Nobody can control your life

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.

lying to them is bad! I am a real person!

Man will do many things to get himself loved he will do all things to get himself envied.

My kind of loyalty was to one's country, not to its institutions or its officeholders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease, and death.

Never tell the truth to those unworthy of it....

Now what I contend is that my body is my own, at least I have always so regarded it. If I do harm through my experimenting with it, it is I who suffers, not the state.

October is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Others are July, January, April, September, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.

Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

On his deathbed Death, the only immortal who treats us all alike, whose pity and whose peace and whose refuse are for all -- the soiled and the pure, the rich and the poor, the loved and the unloved.

Pessimism is only the name that men of weak nerve give to wisdom.

Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.

Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it hundreds of times.

Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of.

Religion consists of a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain.

So far as I am able to judge, nothing has been left undone, either by man or nature, to make India the most extraordinary country that the sun visits on his rounds. Nothing seems to have been forgotten, nothing overlooked.