Quotes from Ambrose Bierce

there are four kinds of homicide felonious excusable justifiable and praise worthy

LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, Is life worth living? has been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy.

LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.

LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem—a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success.

LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.

Wall street, n. a symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke. That wall street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in heaven

HABIT, n. A shackle for the free.

HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another—the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.

HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.

HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.

APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

Un hombre es como un árbol: En un bosque de sus iguales crecerá tan recto como su naturaleza individual y genérica lo permita; solo en campo abierto, cede a las tensiones y torsiones deformantes que lo rodean.

IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.

ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.

IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.

ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.

IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.