Quotes from Woody Allen

If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.

Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Love is the answer, but while youre waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Although we've come to the end of the road, still I can't let you go, it's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you .