Quotes from Woody Allen

Oviedo is a small paradise, marred only by the unnatural presence of a bronze image of a schlemiel.

by the Beckmann triptych and Louise Nevelson's dark black sculpture.

They asked me my goal in life. I said, to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race and see if it could be mass-produced in plastic.

One could understand Judge Wilk's first impression, an impression he would never rise above despite all evidence to the contrary.

Where did all these thirsty comics come from? I never knew a monologist to keel over from dehydration. Actors play hours of Shakespeare without Hamlet or Lear sneaking behind a drape for a belt of Poland Spring water.

I still experienced some moderate feelings of anxiety—like when you're buried alive.

I have since, at my wife's insistence, given up nail biting, replacing that disgusting habit with the more socially acceptable coprolalia.

A lunch with Arthur Miller was something I could have only fantasized about as a boy, as a young man, even the week before. I asked a million questions, and I recall quite vividly that he confirmed for me that life was indeed meaningless.

A fatal brain tumor. I hated the judge but felt bad when I heard he was diagnosed so tragically. Harsher ones around me were less moved by his plight and quipped it was the only time in his career justice was actually served.

Harriet, co my takiego z?ego zrobili?my? - Nigdy nie spojrzeli?my w twarz rzeczywisto?ci.

I had just been introduced to wine and I remember being a little drunk and viewing the Place de la Concorde lit up at night and it was so beautiful, and I shook my fist at Paris like a character in Balzac and said wistfully, "You old whore." Unfortunately, I was facing a lady tourist from Detroit at the time and she didn't appreciate it.

The rest is drivel or piffle—take your choice. I think I prefer piffle.

I wrote one single joke for Don Adams. Jonathan Winters needed nothing from anyone; he was simply a genius.

I think I can safely say I'm the only American stand-up comic who played the Eiffel Tower.

Czy to dlatego przespaÅ'aÅ› siÄ™ ze swoim terapeutÄ…? - To byÅ'a terapia. WedÅ'ug Freuda seks jest królewskim goÅ›ciÅ"cem do nieÅ›wiadomoÅ›ci. -Freud mówiÅ', ?e marzenia senne sÄ… drogÄ… do nieÅ›wiadomoÅ›ci. - Seks, sny - masz zamiar znowu siÄ™ mnie czepia??

The truth is you never know when you have to rely on Aristotle or Confucius when faced with choosing to hit a lamppost or running over a man coming from Zabar's with fresh bagels.

Why suffer the slings and arrows when I can just wet my nose, insert it into the light socket, and never have to deal with anxiety, heartache, or my mother's boiled chicken ever again?

Ã…Å¡mier? ma równie? swojÄ… dodatniÄ… stronÄ™ - to jedna z tych paru rzeczy, które dajÄ… siÄ™ zrobi? z równÄ… Å'atwoÅ›ciÄ…, z jakÄ… przychodzi uÅ'o?y? siÄ™ spa?.

We had some fine chats about Jesus, Homer, and the Rig Veda from a strictly automotive point of view.

WaÅ'Ä™samy siÄ™ samotnie po kosmosie i z rozczarowania i z bólu zadajemy sobie nawzajem gwaÅ't.

Roth was a much deeper, more serious man than me in addition to being very funny. Sometimes we'd show up together in some article on Judaism or Jewish humor, but he approached issues from a thoughtful, engaging point of view. I was only interested as far as they gave me good comedy material. He was a thinker, a genuine intellectual.

Is this not the quintessence of hypocrisy when Ronan writes a book critical of NBC for trying to kill his story on Harvey Weinstein? But, I guess whatever works.

I could see life as tragic or comic depending on my blood sugar level but always saw it as meaningless. I felt I was a tragedian locked in the body of a stand-up comic. A mute, inglorious Milton. But only if you meant Milton Berle.

I began getting nauseated often, usually in the dead of night. I attributed it either to a fatal disease or her cooking, but my yearly physical had me in good health and the middle-of-the-night nausea set in even if we ate out.