Quotes from Woody Allen

Pale, nervous girls with black-rimmed glasses and blunt-cut hair lolled around on sofas, riffling Penguin Classics provocatively… But it wasn't just intellectual experiences. They were peddling emotional ones, too. For fifty bucks, I learned, you could 'relate without getting close.' For a hundred, a girl would lend you her Bartok records, have dinner, and then let you watch while she had an anxiety attack.

A ship is safe in the harbor, but that's not where ships belong.

God, you Jews are truly exotic. Exotic? She should only know the Greenblatts. Or Mr. and Mrs. Milton Sharpstein, my father's friends. Or for that matter, my cousin Tovah. Exotic? I mean, they're nice, but hardly exotic with their endless bickering over the best way to combat indigestion or how far back to sit from the television set.

There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.

No, thanks. I already own a penguin.

Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

It's funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it's a contradiction.

See, I will always have this penchant for what I call kamikaze women. I call them kamikazes because they, you know they crash their plane, they're self-destructive. But they crash into you, and you die along with them.

True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of eighty is left in a room with two eighteen-year-old cocktail waitresses nothing happens.

Yeah, that's what the present is. It's a little unsatisfying because life's a little unsatisfying.

He's dreaming, Cloquet thought, as he stood over him, revolver in hand. He's dreaming, and I exist in reality. Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.

Eternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.

Beautiful, funny, smart, sexual, and also neurotic? It's like filling an inside straight.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better [...] while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

It's about Russia.

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

Na realidade, prefiro a ciência à religião. Se me fizerem escolher entre Deus e o ar condicionado, fico com o ar.

In order to be a writer, Maugham continues: one must take chances and not be afraid to look foolish. I wrote The Razor's Edge while wearing a paper hat….

Marshall McLuhan predicted books would become art objects at some point. He was right.

Las cosas no se dicen, se hacen, porque al hacerse se dicen solas!.

If she were lying on a plate with a herring, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.