Quotes from Woody Allen

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don't you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

I'm going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I'll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.