Quotes from Woody Allen

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.

You know what my philosophy of life is? That it's important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

I read in self-defense.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.