Quotes from Woody Allen

...bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind — a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

Cloquet hated reality but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, Boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says, Yeah, I know; and such small portions. Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

It reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.