Quotes from Mark Twain

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.

Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.

The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.

I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.