Quotes from Mark Twain

Strange is the man who practices his religion.

Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion - several of them.

I cannot call to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent, except toward the things which were sacred to other people.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

No church property is taxed and so the infidel and the atheist and the man without religion are taxed to make up the deficit.

The gods offer no rewards for intellect. There was never one yet that showed any interest in it.

Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of.

The true pioneer of civilization is not the newspaper, not religion, not the railroad - but whiskey!

The Koran does not permit Mohammedans to drink. Their natural instincts do not permit them to be moral. They say the Sultan has eight hundred wives. This almost amounts to bigamy.

We were good boys, good Presbyterian boys, and loyal and all that; anyway, we were good Presbyterian boys when the weather was doubtful; when it was fair, we did wander a little from the fold.

Hardly a man in the world has an opinion upon morals, political, or religion which he got otherwise than through his associations and sympathies.

To trust the God of the Bible is to trust an irascible, vindictive, fierce and ever fickle and changeful master.

I do not know what we should do without the pulpit. We could better spare the sun-the moon, anyway.

If I were to construct a God I would furnish Him with some way and qualities and characteristics which the Present lacks.

Heaven goes by favor if it went by merit you would stay out and your dog would go in.

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me it's the parts that I do understand.

Those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect.

An occasional compliment is necessary to keep up one's self-respect.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

Familiarity breeds contempt. How accurate that is. The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.

The most difficult We do not deal in facts when we are contemplating ourselves.

The art of prophecy is very difficult, especially with respect to the future.