Quotes from Mark Twain

I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.

The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter. The moment it arises, all your irritations and resentments slip away, and the sunny spirit takes their place.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.

A habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.

I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatsoever.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

I'm the man they call Sudden Death and General Desolation! Sired by a hurricane, dam'd by an earthquake…. When I'm playful I use the meridians of longitude and parallels of latitude for a seine, and drag the Atlantic Ocean for whales! I scratch my head with the lightning and purr myself to sleep with the thunder!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

To lodge all power in one party and keep it there is to insure bad government.

Your true pilot cares nothing about anything on earth but the river, and his pride in his occupation surpasses the pride of kings.

The modern patriotism, the true patriotism, the only rational patriotism, is loyalty to the Nationallthe time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.

A soiled baby with a neglected nose cannot be conscientiously regarded as a thing of beauty.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.

There is no architecture in New Orleans, except in the cemeteries.

Each person is born to one possession which outvalues all his others—his last breath.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? and ain't that a big enough majority in any town?

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

She makes me wash, they comb me all to thunder; she won't let me sleep in the woodshed…. The widder eats by a bell; she goes to bed by a bell; she gits up by a bell—everything's so awful reg'lar a body can't stand it.

Tell the truth or trump—but get the trick.

The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way.

O kind missionary, O compassionate missionary, leave China! come home and convert these Christians!