Quotes from Ambrose Bierce

Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.

Commerce, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.

Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.

Lawsuit, n. a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.

Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.

The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.

Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.

What this country needs what every country needs occasionally is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends.

The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

Poker, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to this lexicographer unknown.

Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure.

Brandy, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan.

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Alien. An American sovereign in his probationary state.

An inventor is a person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Cabbage A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

Calamities are of two kinds misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.