Quotes from Adele Faber

It's important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions," I replied. "We permit children to express all their feelings. We don't permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.

It's a bittersweet road we parents travel. We start with total commitment to a small, helpless human being. Over the years we worry, plan, comfort, and try to understand. We give our love, our labor, our knowledge, and our experience—so that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to leave us.

Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes reality easier to bear. So

Parents don't usually give this kind of response, because they fear that by giving a name to the feeling they'll make it worse. Just the opposite is true. The child who hears the words for what she is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged her inner experience.

INSTEAD OF DISMISSING NEGATIVE FEELINGS ABOUT A SIBLING, ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEELINGS.

It's also not helpful when parents respond with more intensity than the child feels.

Finally, are most of my moments with my child spent asking her to "do things?" Or am I taking out some time to be alone with her—just to "be together"?

All we are given is possibilities— to make ourselves one thing or another. JOSÉ ORTEGA Y GASSET

I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own.

To be loved equally," I continued, "is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely—for one's own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.

The passion and excitement you feel about a child's achievement should be saved for a moment when just the two of you are together. It's too much for the other siblings to have to listen to.

Imagine," I thought, "a world in which brothers and sisters grow up in homes where hurting isn't allowed; where children are taught to express their anger at each other sanely and safely; where each child is valued as an individual, not in relation to the others; where cooperation, rather than competition is the norm; where no one is trapped in a role; where children have daily experience and guidance in resolving their differences.

Does he feel my request is unreasonable? ("Why does my mother bug me to wash behind my ears? Nobody looks there.")

at the outset it needs to be stressed that discipline means education. Discipline is essentially programmed guidance that helps people to develop internal self-control, self-direction, and efficiency. If it is to work, discipline requires mutual respect and trust. On the other hand, punishment requires external control over a person by force and coercion. Punishing agents seldom respect or trust the one punished.

Children Need to Have Their Feelings Accepted and Respected. 1. YOU CAN LISTEN QUIETLY AND ATTENTIVELY. 2. YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS WITH A WORD.     ââ'¬Å"Oh . . . Mmm . . . I see . . ." 3. YOU CAN GIVE THE FEELING A NAME.     ââ'¬Å"That sounds frustrating!" 4. YOU CAN GIVE THE CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY.     ââ'¬Å"I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!

Can I give her a choice about when to do something, rather than insisting upon "right now." ("Do you want to take your bath before your TV show or right after?")

Can I offer a choice about how something is done? ("Do you want to take your bath with your doll or your boat?")

When they're tempted, conflicted, or confused, they'll know where to turn for guidance. When the unwholesome voices in the pop culture call to them, they'll have another voice inside their heads—yours—with your values, your love, your faith in them.

Children often experience praise of a brother or sister as a put-down of themselves. They automatically translate, 'Your brother is so considerate' into 'Mom thinks I'm not.' It's a good idea to save our enthusiastic comments for the ear of the deserving child.