Quotes from Adele Faber

treating our children, not as they are, but as we hoped they would become.

All we can do is attempt to understand our children's feelings. We won't always succeed, but our efforts are usually appreciated.

By being kind to ourselves, we teach our children to be kind to themselves.

we treated both our children and ourselves, that our readers would catch the spirit behind the skills and be inspired to improvise

parents in the group were as unprepared as I for the antagonism between their children. Even now, years later, as I sit here leading my first workshop on sibling rivalry, I realize how little has changed. People can't

in a caring relationship there was no room for punishment.

There is no such thing as a calm, conflict-free life with young children

It's much more helpful for an unhappy youngster to hear, "I see something is making you sad," rather than to be interrogated with "What happened?" or "Why do you feel that way?" It's easier to talk to a grown-up who accepts what you're feeling rather than one who presses you for explanations.

There is an important message built into this approach. It says, "When there is conflict between us, we no longer have to mobilize our forces against each other and worry about who will emerge victorious and who will go down in defeat. Instead, we can put our energy into searching for the kinds of solutions that respect both our needs as individuals.

We found that when we accepted our children's feelings they were more able to accept the limits we set for them.

We are giving them the tools that will enable them to be active participants in solving the problems that confront them—now, while they're at home, and in the difficult, complex world that awaits them.

Every time a parent says to himself, "I wish I hadn't said that. Why didn't I think to say . . . ," he automatically gets another chance. Life with children is open-ended.

All we are given is possibilities— to make ourselves one thing or another.

Compassion is always appreciated, whether it comes sooner or later.

this approach was permissive only in the sense that all feelings were permitted. For example, "I can see that you're having fun making designs in the butter with your fork." But that doesn't mean that you have to permit a child to behave in a way that's unacceptable to you. As you remove the butter, you can also let the young "artist" know that "Butter is not for playing with. If you want to make designs, you can use your clay.

a solution that was fair to all. (I said it, but I didn't

There are youngsters who prefer no talk at all when they're upset. For them, Mom or Dad's presence is comfort enough.

The challenge for us is to find some response that actually inspires change rather than clinging to the old ways that cause resentment, and more importantly, distract from the real problem.

by listening with full attention, by acknowledging his feelings with a word, by giving a name to his feelings, and by granting him his wishes in fantasy.

more helpful for an unhappy youngster to hear, "I see something is making you sad," rather than to be interrogated with "What happened?" or "Why do you feel that way?" It's easier to talk to a grown-up who accepts what you're feeling rather than one who presses you for explanations.

the question "Why?" only adds to their problem. In addition to their original distress, they must now analyze the cause and come up with a reasonable explanation.

One of the benefits the authors point out of discussing logical consequences with children rather than handing out arbitrary punishments is that the practice gives THEM the language to discuss One of the benefits the authors point out of discussing logical consequences with children rather than handing out arbitrary punishments is that the practice gives THEM the language to discuss seting boundaries and making decisions, even in conflicts with their friends.

when our words are infused with our real feelings of empathy that they speak directly to a child's heart.

We give our love, our labor, our knowledge, and our experience—so that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to leave us.