Quotes from Adele Faber

Children don't appreciate having the names they call themselves repeated by their parents. When a child tells you he's dumb or ugly or fat, it's not helpful to reply with "Oh, so you think you're dumb," or "You really feel you're ugly." Let's not cooperate with him when he calls himself names. We can accept his pain without repeating the name.

All we are given is possibilities— to make ourselves one thing or another. JOSÉ ORTEGA Y GASSET  

Let us realize that, along with food, shelter, and clothing, we have another obligation to our children, and that is to affirm their "rightness." The whole world will tell them what's wrong with them—loud and often. Our job is to let our children know what's right about them.

Kids, this is a tough problem, but I have confidence that you two can put your heads together and come up with a solution that you can both agree to.

The teacher said we're only supposed to spend fifteen minutes a night on our math. It took me a whole hour to finish. I must be dumb. PARENT: It can be discouraging when work takes longer than you expect.

But I didn't say any of that. I did a complete turnaround.

Describe what you see "I see a brand new jacket on the floor." or Describe what you feel "That bothers me." or Describe what needs to be done "This jacket belongs in the closet.

What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognize what it is they're experiencing.

The whole world will tell them what's wrong with them—loud and often. Our job is to let our children know what's right about them.

One father said that a surefire way for him to put a spirit of play into the task ahead was to use another voice or accent. The kids' favorite was his robot voice: "This-is-RC3C. The next-person-who-takes-ice-and-doesn't-refill-tray-will-be-orbited-into-outer-space. Please-take-affirmative-action.

I have the feeling Heather is going to be "expressing herself" a lot more in the future, and I'm sure I won't like everything I hear; but in the long run, I still think it's more important for her to be real than to have to continue being "mother's joy.

And yet, it's our listening that can give the greatest comfort. It's our acceptance of their unhappy feelings that can make it easier for our kids to cope with them.

MOTHER: Billy, we're leaving in five minutes. BILLY: (doesn't answer and continues to read the comics.) MOTHER: Would you tell me what I just said? BILLY: You said we're leaving in five minutes. MOTHER: Okay, now that I know you know, I won't mention it again.

To be loved uniquely—for one's own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.

The best part of using descriptive language is that it takes out the finger-pointing and accusation, and helps everyone focus on what needs to be done.

7. Is there any way to help

Resist the temptation to "make better" instantly. Instead of giving advice, continue to accept and reflect on your child's feelings.

When we describe the event (instead of talking about what "you did"), we seem to make it easier for the child to hear what the problem is and deal with it.

Ése es el gran desafío," dije, "cambiar nuestro pensamiento de 'cómo arreglo las cosas yo' a 'cómo capacito a mis hijos para arreglar las cosas por sí mismos.

When children want something they can't have, adults usually respond with logical explanations of why they can't have it. Often, the harder we explain, the harder they protest.

The father was astonished. He hadn't asked questions and yet the child had told him the whole story. He hadn't given one word of advice, and yet the child had worked out his own solution. It seemed unbelievable to him that he could have been so helpful to his son just by listening and acknowledging his feelings.

Conclusion: What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognize what it is they're experiencing.

Refrain from giving the child information she already knows.

We too worried about being permissive. But gradually we began to realize that this approach was permissive only in the sense that all feelings were permitted.