Quotes from Ambrose Bierce

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters.

FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.

Think twice before you speak to a friend in need

Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.

Peace in international affairs: a period of cheating between periods of fighting

Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.

acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

I was born to poor because of honest parents.

Fear has no brains; it is an idiot. The dismal witness that it bears and the cowardly counsel that it whispers are unrelated.

Laughter--an interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features, and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious, and though intermittent, incurable.

DOG: A kind of additional or subsidiary Diety designed to catch the overflow or surplus of the world's worship.

Opportunity: A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.

POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. A striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself, whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.

LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure.

An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.

optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with disproof - an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.