Quotes from Amy Schumer

I really am a chick from Long Island who's just learning along with everyone.

My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.

My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wiseass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy. But, I am definitely the first comedian in my family.

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.

You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.

The saddest realization I've had in my life is that my parents are people. Sad, human people. I aged a decade in that moment.

I love being in my own skin, and I hope other women start feeling better about themselves and waste less energy being ashamed of their bodies.

I love watching TV.

I just have this sense of entitlement that I should be able to feel comfortable at all times, like I could go to bed at any moment in what I'm wearing.

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.

I like people who are predictable.

My regimen is I wake up, usually around 8:30, brush my teeth, and splash water on my face.

People get really turned off by feminism.

I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.

It was the best night of my life, getting to dance on stage with Madonna!

I was always like that, at 5 years old, just demanding equality. I thought it could all be fixed if you called attention to it.

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.

The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.

What's good about not being a model is that it's not the thing I trade on. Once I start looking older, that won't affect me. I have never gotten anything done because I'm, like, so gorgeous. I'm good-looking enough that I can work in the business.

He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

I want to keep working really hard at getting better at stand-up and touring, and I can't imagine a time when I won't want to do that. But, who knows?

I can't hide my feelings. I'm efficient. I've always been that way.

I'm not extra sensitive to handshakes. I shake hands all the time.