Quotes from Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out my nose.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.

Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.

Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.