Quotes from Alan King

As a parent, I'd - I'd be a better father.

You only live once, except for Shirley MacLaine.

There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'

I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.

You know you're getting old when people tell you how good you look.

The banks have a new image. Now you have "a friend." Your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend ' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

My mother's sister was killed in a trolley car accident, so I was raised as one of eight with my sister and six male cousins.

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.

My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.

Museums are good things, places to look and absorb and learn.

It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.

I had a sympathetic role in 'thirtysomething,' and in two weeks I'm going to do the role again. But in the movies, I just love the heavies. It's much more fun. Villains are a ball. People have been laughing at me for 50 years, so I love to sit in the back of the theater and listen to them hate me.

I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.

I learned to cook in self-defense. My wife doesn't know what a kitchen is. In the first month of our marriage, she broiled lamb chops 26 nights in a row. Then I took over. I used to mind her not caring about food, but no more - as long as I can eat what I want.

The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.

One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'