Quotes from Alan King

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.

Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.

As you get older, as you become more sensitive, feel more, it becomes harder to make jokes. You censor yourself.

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.

When I was a kid, I used to send away for those ventriloquist kits on the back of comic books.

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

Modesty is not one of my virtues.

My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'

I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers