Quotes from Alfie Kohn

Some who support more coercive strategies assume that children will run wild if they are not controlled. However, the children for whom this is true typically turn out to be those accustomed to being controlled—those who are not trusted, given explanations, encouraged to think for themselves, helped to develop and internalize good values, and so on. Control breeds the need for more control, which then is used to justify the use of control.

There's a huge difference between a student whose objective is to get a good grade and a student whose objective is to solve a problem or understand a story. What's more, the research suggests that when kids are encouraged to focus on getting better marks in school, three things tend to happen: They lose interest in the learning itself, they try to avoid tasks that are challenging, and they're less likely to think deeply and critically.

To examine the claim that rewards are effective at altering behavior, we pose three questions: First, for whom are they effective? Second, for how long are they effective? And third, at what, exactly, are they effective? (I have already hinted at a fourth question—At what cost are they effective?—but

Empowered kids are in the best position to deal constructively with disempowering circumstances. And we, as parents, are in the best position to empower them - as long as we're willing to limit our use of power over them.

Control breeds the need for more control, which then is used to justify the use of control.

Nostalgia is only amnesia turned around," said the poet Adrienne Rich.

the use of powerful systematic reward procedures to promote increased engagement in target activities may also produce concomitant decreases in task engagement, in situations where neither tangible nor social extrinsic rewards are perceived to be available.7

what matters is not just how motivated someone is but the source and nature of that motivation.13

The troubling truth is that rewards and punishments are not opposites at all; they are two sides of the same coin. And it is a coin that does not buy very much.

The research is clear: getting children to focus on their performance can interfere with their ability to remember things about the challenging tasks they just worked on.67

For the anthropomorphic view of the rat, American psychology substituted a rattomorphic view of man. —Arthur Koestler, The Act of Creation

When you stand by and let bad things happen, your child experiences the twin disappointments that something went wrong and you did not seem to care enough about her to lift a finger to help prevent the mishap.

if, like Charles Silberman, we think school "should prepare people not just to earn a living but to live a life—a creative, humane, and sensitive life,"22 then children's attitudes toward learning are at least as important as how well they perform at any given task.

As a rule, the point of homework generally isn't to learn, much less to derive real pleasure from learning. It's something to be finished. And until it is, it looms large in conversations, an unwelcome guest at the table every night.

But my point is not just that the psychological theory is inadequate; it is that the practice is unproductive. If we do not address the ultimate cause of a problem, the problem will not get solved. This is not to say

What we are is nothing other than what we do

How will this affect children's interest in learning, their desire to keep reading and thinking and exploring?" In the case of homework, the answer is disturbingly clear. Most kids hate homework. They dread it, groan about it, put off doing it as long as possible. It may be the single most reliable extinguisher of the flame of curiosity.

Our main question shouldn't be "How do I get my child to do what I say?" but "What does my child need - and how can I meet those needs?" In my experience, you can predict much of what happens in families just from knowing which of those questions is more important to the parents. You don't even have to know the answers they've found. The questions are what count.

In the absence of homework, "students come in all the time and hand me articles about something we talked about in class or tell me about a news report they saw. When intrigued by a good lesson and given freedom [from homework], they naturally seek out more knowledge.

My advice is to make a point of apologizing to your child about something at least twice a month. Why twice a month? I don't know. It sounds about right to me. (Almost all the specific advice in parenting books is similarly arbitrary. At least I admit it.)

The failure to adopt other people's points of view, to take an imaginative leap out of oneself, is one way to account for much of the behavior we find, troublesome, from littering to murder. (Kafka once referred to war as "a monstrous failure of imagination.") Perspective taking helps us at once to see others as fundamentally similar to ourselves despite superficial differences (in that we share a common humanity)

The point isn't just whether children know what to expect; it's whether what they've come to expect makes sense.

The most significant factor in an individual's ability to remain in good health may be a sense of control over the events of life," one psychologist has remarked.

The author Barbara Coloroso suggests that, before asking something, you might 'question why you are asking it.' Laying bare our motives can offer guidance about whether it's worth asking. Hint: it's when we're not entirely sure what the child will say, and when we're open to more than one response, that a question is most likely to be beneficial.