Quotes from Andy Borowitz

artisanal way — I'm given a hospital room,

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

The real news has gotten more surreal and absurd, and my fake news, if you want to call it that, has gotten more plausible. And at some point, those two trend lines crossed.

You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.

Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

John Edwards is a tragic case of a man who ran for President when he should have joined the Secret Service.

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.