Quotes from Zach Galifianakis

I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.

The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore.

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it. That's if I'm in the mood - sometimes I get superbummed.

I've been wanting kids for 10 years. I'd love to adopt, have them naturally - all of it. I want, like, 15.

I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.

There was a long time where I was an "artist" in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I call my balls the bush twins.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.