Quotes from Adam Ferrara

When I meet people after stand-up shows, they'll bring their cars.

I drove a brand new Lamborghini, the Huracan; it was great. We went on the Autobahn, and we got to drive on the Nurburgring.

I'm surprised how hot it gets in the Moab Desert. I knew it got hot, but I didn't think it got, like, Mercury-hot.

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it -- if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'

Anytime I get to help the firefighters, I will. I'm real lucky to be in a position to help.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'

I don't have a car in Manhattan because you have to choose between a car and an apartment. It's that expensive.

I do stupid stuff like that: I'll call my wife from the road, send her pictures of glaciers.

I had done another show called 'United States of Cars,' which was a pilot that didn't get picked up. And they said, 'You know, we're doing 'Top Gear,' and would you like to meet the guys?' It was the wild - most wild audition I ever had because I never went to a studio or a producer's office.

If you're in California, and it's raining, stay home because nobody can drive in the rain. It's like it's raining frogs. They're terrified.

At 140, 150, that's when the car starts floating. At 160, that's when you start seeing dead relatives. At 180, it's, like, terrifying and exciting.

Terrorists convince thousands of people to kill themselves in the name of God. I can't convince two of my friends to help me move.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'

My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.

I said I wanted to strap guns on an El Camino. When I brought it up at a meeting, they said great. I realized there's no adult in the room.