Quotes from Terry Pratchett

Just call in at the torturer on your way out. See when he can fit you in.

She had heard it said that, before you could understand anybody, you needed to walk a mile in their shoes, which did not make a whole lot of sense, because probably AFTER you had walked a mile in their shoes, you would understand that they were chasing you and accusing you of the theft of a pair of shoes--although, of course, you could probably outrun them, owing to their lack of footwear.

Whoever had created humanity had left in a major design flaw. It was its tendency to bend at the knees.

Vimes had once discussed the Ephebian idea of 'democracy' with Carrot, and had been rather interested in the idea that everyone had a vote until he found out that while he, Vimes, would have a vote, there was no way in the rules that anyone could prevent Nobby Nobbs from having one as well. Vimes could see the flaw there straight away.

It's always surprising to be reminded that while you're watching and thinking about people, all knowing and superior, they're watching and thinking about you, right back at you.

Silverfish looked down. Oh. Are you a dwarf? Cuddy gave him a blank stare. Are you a giant? He said. Me? Of course not! Ah. Then I must be a dwarf, yes.

Shoes, men, coffins; never accept the first one you see.

It's quite easy to accidentally overhear people talking downstairs if you hold an upturned glass to the floorboards and accidentally put your ear to it.

There's lots of people will help you with alcohol business, but there's no one out there arranging little meetings where you can stand up and say, 'My name is Sam Vimes and I'm a really suspicious bastard.

They can tak' oour lives but they canna tak' oour troousers!

He talks pretty big for a gutter wizard, he muttered. You don't understand at all, said the wizard wearily. I'm so scared of you my spine has turned to jelly, it's just that I'm suffering from an overdose of terror right now. I mean, when I've got over that then I'll have time to be decently frightened of you.

She was not, herself, hugely in favor of motherhood in general. Obviously it was necessary, but it wasn't exactly difficult . Even cats managed it. But women acted as if they'd been given a medal that entitled them to boss people around. It was as if, just because they'd got the label which said mother, everyone else got a tiny part of the label that said child...

For a witch stands on the very edge of everything, between the light and the dark, between life and death, making choices, making decisions so that others may pretend no decisions have even been needed. Sometimes they need to help some poor soul through the final hours, help them to find the door, not to get lost in the dark.

If you kept changing the way people saw the world, you ended up changing the way you saw yourself.

Once you gave a thing a name, you gave it life.

YOU MUST LEARN THE COMPASSION PROPER TO YOUR TRADE And what's that? A SHARP EDGE.

Because no man wants to be a coward in front of a cheese.

He'd heard that writers spent all day in their dressing gowns drinking champagne. This is, of course, absolutely true.

a metaphor ... is like lying but more decorative.

They obeyed, as wise men do when a woman puts her foot down . . .

When people say clearly something that means there's a huge crack in their argument and they know things aren't clear at all.

There was a man and he had eight sons. Apart from that, he was nothing more than a comma on the page of History. It's sad, but that's all you can say about some people.

Ninety percent of true love is acute, ear-burning embarrassment.

The dwarf bread was brought out for inspection. But it was miraculous, the dwarf bread. No one ever went hungry when they had some dwarf bread to avoid. You only had to look at it for a moment, and instantly you could think of dozens of things you'd rather eat. Your boots, for example. Mountains. Raw sheep. Your own foot.