Quotes from Aisha Tyler

I believe fully that if you want to do something, you just go do it. You can sit around, think about it, waiting until things are perfect, wringing your hands, dithering and hesitating and slowly twisting your panties into a perfect little fisherman's knot. Or you can get up off your lazy fucking ass and do something. What's the worst that can happen?

Just give me a second to get my wind back. Who the hell put that pole there?

The Internet is where stupid goes to find stupider so it doesn't have to feel so stupid.

I was not a cute teenager. I was not graceful, bubbly, or precocious. I did not cheerlead, work on the yearbook, organize spirit rallies, or plan dance-offs between opposing gangs of sexy brooding outsiders.

When one is undone—sprawled across the cold tile of a public bathroom in a pool of one's own vomit, or shivering in the back of a taxi in a pair of urine-soaked skinny jeans with no money for cab fare and a dead cell phone battery—much like a wobbly toddler or an unhinged politician, one immediately looks for someone else to blame. God. Your parents. Ex-girlfriends. Undocumented immigrants. Marvin in Human Resources. China.

Members of the Geek culture will tell you they are critical to promoting a sense of brother- and sisterhood, responsibility, civic-mindedness, and philanthropy. Mainly they are just ways for people to feel like they belong, for other people to feel like they don't belong, and for other other people (girls, and a few boys) to flirt with guys and gain access to mass quantities of free beer.

But no matter, because we as a nation now take every tweet, every offhanded Facebook comment, or shotgun aside as the gospel truth of a person's sense of the world, when in reality most are typed late at night when people are intoxicated or sleep-deprived or just got in a terrible fight with their spouse.

When I arrived there, looking like a mad scientist had tried to flay me open like a tiny Frankenstein, my mother freaked out in appropriate fashion.

I was still very much a kid but, suddenly, I had the body of a teenager. This is like waking up one day and finding out that your golden retriever puppy shoots lasers from its adorable puppy eyes. Someone is bound to get hurt.

I spent most of my seventh grade summer dehydrated, green-tongued, and smelling like a Malaysian whorehouse.

I'll tell you what else fucks with a kid's optimism and sense of stability: when your parents fight all the time. That shit can really suck. Listening to your parents yell, or cry, or stomp off in anger, or worse, that deafening silence that falls over a home when the two biggest residents aren't speaking to each other, and only reply in jagged monotone when the kids ask for seconds or beg to be excused from the dinner table—that is damaging

Hard work is far more valuable than talent. The world is littered with brilliant, talented, lazy nobodies. Almost the entire workforce of Starbucks is populated by a bunch of geniuses that "nobody gets, man." If you have talent and you don't have the stones to get up every day and perfect that talent, accept criticism, look at yourself honestly, suck on the hard lozenge of failure, and try to constantly and consistently improve, well then, you don't have shit.

wanted to be like her, and I would stop at nothing. Nothing at all, including sneaking into her closet and wearing her clothes like some tiny, creepy serial killer.

When we are crushing on someone, they are a swirling blur of dimples and crooked smiles, hair flips and skateboard tricks.

Stark and egregious errors, the truly epic failures, forge character. They burnish your edges and make you the person you are.

Success is not the absence of failure; it's the persistence through failure.

One of the first movies my dad took me to see was the original 'Road Warrior.' And I was kind of raised on the action movies of that era: 'The Terminator' and 'Die Hard' and, of course, all of the 'Star Wars' movies.

Marriage isn't a carnival ride.

I'm sure I had low-level scurvy all of my childhood.

I won't apologize for choosing my career over kids.

One thing about creativity is, when you feel confident and respected, you're more likely to pitch more interesting stuff because you're not as precious with it. You feel like, 'This is going to land, and I'm going to be supported in this.'

I like the company of guys. I have a lot of good girlfriends that I really love, but you know, most of my close friends are men.

Maybe the nails are a little stubby and gnawed on, but I definitely do not have man hands.

For a little while, my mom was a school teacher. And I went to the school that she taught.